A Picture speaks much more than words…

Tuesday, 9 November, 2010

Yesterday I posted some pictures on my blog and I am sure my readers would be intrigued by those pictures as to an outsider these pictures are just ordinary pictures but to an insider these pictures are of a historic moment. Here is the context:

Descending Down into earth...

It was late afternoon. The time for me to take a long walk to the town. These long walks have become a routine for me as otherwise I sit throughout the day working on my Laptop. I was getting ready when was suddenly surprised to hear the ringing of the bells. Where could the bells be ringing. The sound seemed like the temple bells. How could there be a temple on the campus, a temple that I was so ignorant of. The sound of the bells seemed very near to my residence. I peeped out of the window and was surprised to see a number of vehicles parked on the road. To my amazement, I saw a group of devotees ascending the stairs to the temple, the stairs which still were under construction. My curiosity was aroused and I moved to a position where from I could capture a better view of the devotees. it is not just everyday that you come across devotees lining for a temple which is still in the process of being completed. While waiting for the entourage of devotees, I wondered how could an educational institute get a temple constructed in its boundary and that too officially inaugurated by the Institute’s Head? Some miracle of the God, for sure.

As I carry my camera on my long walks everyday for who knows where and when would I get a marvelous picture, so the camera was with me. And believe me I did get some best shots that day. It was not a group of devotees but some people about whom less I write better it would be but still the pictures tell more than my word would say. And honestly I started believing that a picture speaks more than words especially if it is a picture taken of a moment when there are no other photographers around! :0

The Last Tribute

How long you mourn the death of a life or a relationship for that matter? Every culture and religion of the world has a defined number of days that this practice is followed and after that everything has to come back to its routine pace. The Life must go on! The Last Tribute is the final dedication to the untimely demise of a relationship and I wish never to write anything under this category "In Memoriam" again. However, in this last tribute I want to ascribe reasons for the unfathomable act of a person who was much trusted in and as such his betrayal calls for an exhaustive analysis. As I can only imagine what could be the reasons behind such an act, I may be prejudiced or biased and may be excused for that.

Life is mysterious. You meet along the line so many persons and many of them leave indelible impressions on your mind. Some of these incidents show how vulnerable we are to the onslaughts of others and this, at times, makes us question God why it has to happen to us and to no one else. But life must go on and every incident must teach us some good or bad lesson. I still am not able to believe that my judgment about you was wrong. Though there have been many such episodes that make me question my judgment but in the end I feel if the positive answer makes me see my self in a good light, why not to carry it throughout, may be a wrong perception. But this does not stop me from imagining and assigning a valid reason for your conduct.

I am somehow able to see a small seven years old boy caged in the adult body of a thirty year old, seemingly, mature man. And it is this small boy who makes me take pity on him. Now sympathy and pity are the words that you so disliked and see the irony that these are the words that would now onwards describe you best for me. Analyzing your conduct from socio-psychological angle, I can find some reasons, right or wrong, god only knows.

I am afraid that from the very childhood you started to see yourself as others saw you. You sure were distraught when your father left you but never showing the impact it had on you, presented a composed picture and this is what you have learnt to do all your life.+-You developed a social self that was different from your real self. This self-concept was/is based on the sum total of others’ perception about you along with your own perception about your own self. You may have had many conflicting impulses but somehow you learnt to stifle them inside you, and a defensive mechanism denied even to yourself your real feelings. You were never true to your own self. And then came books along with such characters that you wanted to emulate in life. Howard Roark for example. He seemed like a role model to you but I really am sad for you that you are nowhere near him. Rather none can be. Life is not fiction. But you always had a make-believe world of your own where you lived all those roles that you suppressed in the real world. It must have started a duality in your very being.

On the other hand, the burden of being the eldest and a kind of role model for others to follow also had its toll on you. You are a faithful son and a perfect brother. I commend you for that but playing these roles you forgot one thing that there was another role that you had started to play in your make-believe world. And that was your waterloo.

But in the end I would just say one thing that whatever you must have done would have been keeping in view the best interests of all concerned.

 

 

Give to the World the Worst you Have and the Worst will Come Back to You

Ironic, you will say it is. Why would anyone give the worst to the world ? You might have typed it wrongly; it has to be the Best. No, I have been right. Is it not the Worst that we give to the world and still have the audacity to proclaim in the loudest possible voice to have given the best? Can there be any one in the world, except may be god or a beast, who would give the best to the world. Again mere words and nothing else. If you have given the worst to the world, are you ready to take the worst as well. I may not be exaggerating as I don’t claim to be a specially empowered person to claim such a thing but the reality is that whenever I breathe, somehow comes from my very being a very negative feeling for you and the ones who have played a game. If it was no game and everything was the result of miscommunication and misjudgment, no harm will come even near you but if it was predesigned and premeditated, nothing can save you from facing very unhappy days ahead. It is a curse of a mother and you will have to pay for it. Nothing can save you. Not even God. You just pray to God for being merciful to you. It is not my curses that will take the toll but all the worst that you have done will come back to you and you will have no one to save you. I pray to God to be an impartial judge and punish the guilty. I am waiting for the divine justice. Every minute of the day, whether I wish it or not, my very being curses you. I am really afraid what all this negative energy releasing from my very being and aimed at destroying you, would do to you. Take cover as who knows what may befall you. You deserve it and also all those persons who have played a role in it. If you have given the worst to others how can you expect for the best? Be ready for the Worst! I had thought to have got over the feeling of revulsion that I felt for you but neither I am a god nor a saint so how can I be above all things banal and mundane. The green blink to your name in my quick contacts brought to surface all that I had thought of freezing inside. I thought why should I burden myself with freezing this feeling of animosity inside me when the guilty don’t even have a prick or conscience? Hence forward I would not stop myself from incurring any harm on account of my revelations. I would rather do anything within my power to bring it to the notice of more and more persons, gullible ones, whom you might deceive in the name of “giving them the Best”. You don’t deserve any sympathy and neither would you get it from me. Day in and day out, I have to watch a young life ebb away and the more I watch the more firm becomes my conviction, to bring you to books. And dread the day when this mother really wakes up to guard with her motherly instincts, her child the way your mother did. And God would also not be able to save you from the wrath of a mother.

Attaining Release from a Black Hole

Yesterday we had a power failure and as it was sultry hot inside the room, we went to the roof and lay there. What do you see when you lie facing upwards? The sky with unaccountable mysteries held in its womb. Watching the sky at night when there is no electric illumination to distract the view is something rare these days. Contemplating about the numerous unsolved mysteries,  one of which is the Black Holes, once again led my thoughts to the person who talked so much of the black holes. And I recalled how you had always been thinking in opposite direction till someone made you think in the right direction. I just thought how you need to be directed to think in right direction, why you can’t see things as they are but like to see them as you want to see them. But why should a person spend or rather waste his/her energy in making you realize the truth? Is it worth the effort? What I was doing was the same thing. I was suddenly drained of energy thinking about what you had done to our life. I was doing more harm to myself and people close to me. I had a sudden realization lying under the clear sky that it was not worth the effort. I wanted to hurt you as I was hurt and people I love were hurt as well. This feeling of hurt gave way to anger and now I was changing it to despise by finding faults with you. But one great truth that I was able to see was that I was hurting myself and my own in the process. It was not easy for me even to try to hurt you.

 

Suddenly, at that time I found my peace. I made peace with my own self. I decided not to try to hurt you any further as what you did might have some reason behind it. I was angry with me for not being able to judge a person and be duped but I found that there was nothing wrong with my judgment and you were what I had perceived you to be. Why should I question my judgment and your integrity? I decided to set my self free from the feelings that I had developed about you and in the process release you from my thoughts as well. I had found that death of this relationship was an outcome of some nefarious design but the truth that it was so weak as not to withstand the impact of outside agencies, makes me question—whether it was worth carrying forward when it could not withstand the first very onslaught. I am pretty sure that had nothing happened at this stage, renewed attempts to cut it short would have taken place and this relationship would have died even at a later stage of its development. It was beyond our power to save it. One cannot fight with people of one’s own. As I am finding it too taxing to hurt you as every hurt that I aim at you comes back to me with more vengeance.

 

So when it was not in our hands to have saved the relationship, why to find a scapegoat and find reasons, lame one for its death. Why not to savior the goodness and the freshness of its essence and carry a pleasant memories of the same? Though it is not an easy job but at least I can try instead of finding ways and means to hurt you and getting hurt in the process.

Perception is More Real Than Reality

Another of your favourite quote! Perception is how we perceive things and it is for most of the time how we want to see them. Nothing can budge us from the image that we choose to see, howsoever hard anyone may try. You always used to tell this truth whenever anyone was not seeing the picture as you saw it! And we believed you. But now when it was the time for you to see reality, unfortunately, you too saw it in a manner that suited you or your people. Sometimes I wonder why I am spending my energy and time in writing about things that are of no substance now. Perhaps it is to purge my own self from the feeling of guilt that I will carry throughout my life for not being able to judge you in a right manner. When someone is present at the scene of action even at that time he is free to have his own perception as the mind captures an image for a very small fraction of time then how can a person, not present at the scene of action, make impartial judgment? And when same sequence of incidents is repeatedly told by many people, we choose to perceive reality in that manner. Is it not a matter of convenience to go with what the majority says instead of questioning it. Oh! That reminds me of “Conveniences of Mind” that you were so sure to help project you as an out of ordinary person. And I believed that! You are just an ordinary person, rather a weak person who takes shelter behind words and creates a favourable impression with the help of those. How inhumane indeed.

I promised to dissect you mercilessly till all my hurt and anger is spent and I find peace with my own self. But it seems that every new day brings a feeling of renewed hurt and with a vengeance, I start with something to hurt you with. [perhaps you would never understand that the more I try to hurt you, more hurt I feel as I really had benevolent feelings toward you, like a son. And it hurt me so much as you were the one I had trusted to such an extent. Perhaps in this case too my perception about you was more real than reality as in reality you were just like the people who left no stone unturned to hurt us. My perception about you was wrong and what you perceived about me was also wrong. I don’t even want to help you see things from my perspective as it looks so demeaning but one day, I am sure, you will be able to see the REALITY.

Modern Day Senanayak

Today’s Editorial in a newspaper dealt with the disrobing of a woman in a village and the general outrage against what we do to our women was much decried. I just thought of you and wondered, is it the physical disrobing that is considered immoral or the psychological hurt is what really breaks a person. I was suddenly reminded of Mahashweta Devi’s short story “Draupadi” and found the resemblance between you and the Senanayal unbelievable. I feel sorry to think of you in this light but this is what you have come to look like. Senanayak in that story is a man who reads a lot and talks of philosophy but when it comes to capturing and torturing a hapless tribal woman Dopdi, he orders his men “to make her do”. And the way they make her do is perhaps the most horrible scene ever read by me to have imagined what they can do to a woman. And in the morning when the woman is taken to the Senanayak, she has some questions to be answered by him. As usual, he doesn’t have any answer to those questions and stands visibly terrified in front of an “unarmed subject”. In this story Draupadi transforms from an object to a subject.

Now do you know why have I related to such a deplorable character in the world of fiction? What I find sickening in Senanayak is the difference between what he pretends to believe in and actually does in practice. He is a gentleman as he does not do anything on his own but makes his men to do it. So very similar to you when you still maintained the mantle of a gentleman and still doing all the harm that you could do with the help of your own people. Don’t you find the similarity really striking? Draupadi has some questions and one of them is “what more you can do to me?” and another is “Is there a man that I should be ashamed of?”  Senanayak is speechless and Draupadi says, “Come Kounter me.” Though the end is not mentioned but it is that she must have been silenced by killing her. Yes this is what the most you can do to a person who raises voice against the establishment.

If one is not different from the ordinary then he has no right to act like one. I would respect an average human being with his fears and apprehensions and if such a person failed in doing what was expected from him, it was not much of a thing but a person who has different ideas to stand by and impress those around him who care to listen; is never worthy of being pardoned. You knew all along what you were pretending to be and what you were in reality or even you had started believing in what you preached and lived in a sham world.  And fools as we were, we started believing in what you used to say. Big words and even bigger ideas. Sometimes I would wonder how mature you were for your age and I would feel to be so immature what all I could think of was my own people. And you thought of the humanity, the community, nation and the world. I became suspicious of my own narrow world that comprised of my own people. But how wrong I was! When the real testing time came, you came out as a big sham. Just like the senanayak—all words and a miserable failure in the end when he stands helpless in front of an unarmed woman seeking answers. He has none. How can he have any answer when basically he was wrong in the very concept of his being? Words don’t make you. You use them to create an image for you and start believing in that image. I am happy for at least the fact that I had less words and whatever I had, I had the courage to stand by them as well.

Be Subjective Teach Objectivity

You always stressed on the word “objectivity” so many times that I thought that this word describes you. But a closer interaction with you has again revealed, to my great dismay, the shallowness of your being. Being subjective makes us biased and prejudiced and we are not able to see things clearly. If one has to take a rational decision then one needs to be unbiased but can we maintain objectivity when it comes to analyze the actions of our dear ones? You always claimed to practice objectivity but unfortunately you are the only person in my acquaintance to be utterly subjective. This speaks for the difference between what you preach and what you practice. How mistaken I was to have thought that here is a person who has objective approach towards analyzing things. How wrong I was.

We are simple people, with all natural feelings of love and hate and therefore subject to biases but you were different this is what I thought at one time. But have found you to be a person who would never even question the actions of your loved ones. It really surprises me as to how the one who would mercilessly criticize others would become a mute person when it was the time to question persons near to you. You failed miserably Mr. Right (self proclaimed).

You are so subjective that the words as they were conveyed to you by your own were the ultimate truth for you and even having a doubt over their veracity was something of a moral sin for you. At least you have shown consistency in one thing, that is being a diehard believer when it comes to your people.

I don’t have any right to preach you or ask for justification of your act but if you were this kind of a person than you didn’t have any right to preach about terms about whom you knew nothing except may be their spellings.

It is ironical indeed that I started writing this blog to discuss the words that you use but at that time I wanted to analyze you in positive manner but today I am writing this blog as  memoriam to the good relationship that we had. And one reason that killed this relationship was your inability to stand by all that you preached.

Keep it up man—preach “objectivity” to others and practice “subjectivity” your own self.