When you remarked that my blog, as on today, lacks a personal touch that it had a year back, I had the reason to speculate on this transformation and face the reality howsoever uncomfortable it was for me. It was not that I was not aware of the changes that had come in my style of writing, the subjects that I was writing about but like a tortoise hiding under a shell, I, too, was comfortable numb and happy with the fact that no one will ever notice this change. I was wrong as the perceptive eyes of my kid noticed the change and why would you not as the change was too obvious to be ignored. “You never wrote like that” you remarked, “it is like reading an impersonal blog that has substance but lacking in spirit.”
You caught me where I never wanted to be caught. I was speechless but still strove to mumble some lame excuses though in my hearts of heart even I knew it too well that in an attempt to hide from my readers some harsh realities of life I had put on a different mask. It was time for honest introspection and you have made me realize the need for this introspection.
Was I a traveler—-as my travel escapades represented me to be or it too was a way to escape from the reality both literally as well as metaphorically? I think the answer would be “Yes”. I was running away, away from the world of reality to a safe comfort zone.
Next point that comes to my mind is about my state of mind. Was I afraid of writing about the kind of phase I was going through— I find a positive answer to even this question. But afraid of what? Was I afraid of showing the vulnerable side of my personality to my readers or I was afraid of showing the callous side of the otherwise sophisticated persons who talk big and promise to motivate employees through their “double-talks”!
But looking back and reflecting upon the kind of life I have been through this last year, I find myself to be much stronger as I was some years back which is, in fact, a very good outcome.
But the negative outcome is that I have lost the implicit faith that I had in the basic goodness of all human beings and have become a bit susceptible. Perhaps with passage of time when this feeling of hurt gets healed I would restore my faith in the intrinsic goodness of all human beings. But the feeling of inherent “Shakti” or power that I found within me would be there to be used for the benefit of all those who “cannot speak” of their traumas.