Letter to my Little One–12

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My Little Bundle of Trouble…

November 08, 2006

Dear Little one,

I keep on wavering between the past and the present and this reflects in what I write as well. Sometimes I am writing to you about what seem to be your concerns today and sometimes I write about what I was concerned about many years back. So you have to make up the loose connections between the past and the present for making your future!

As I have told you I my earlier posts, I had accepted you in my life but the issue at hand was how to look after two very small daughters. My Ma told me not to take you much in my lap as it would make you habitual of the warmth of the mother’s lap, and who doesn’t like comfront and warmth of a mother’s cozy lap, the safest nestle of the world! And as winters were in the offing so it would be difficult for me to put you in the bed, if you get habitual to this comfort. A seasoned advice, no doubt.

Secondly, I had to do all the household jobs along with caring for you two so I needed time for that as well. But what a little bundle of trouble you were! The moment I would put you in a cozy bed, made warm by a hot water bottle, you would start howling at the top of your voice and would not stop till you had not, once again, made yourself comfortable in my lap. Reluctantly, though, I would put you back in my lap as I didn’t want people to say that being a second daughter you were being put to hard life from the very beginning. I would devise so many ways to dupe you into believing that you had my lap as a resting place, like putting a soft pillow along with you to give you a feeling of my body, but you were very sharp. You could differenciate between the reality and the make-believe world from the very beginning—the way you do even today.

Your Nana, as usual, came to me with his advice. Looking fondly at you, he would say, “Carry her and keep her close to you as much as you can” and putting his hand lovingly on your small head while looking in my eyes he continued, “once she learns the freedom of movement, howsoever hard you try, she would not rest in your lap”! How right he was. A new perspective he helped me develop regarding bringing up kids. Once the kids learn to move on their own, it is the freedom to move that they cherish more than the love and boundary of a mother’s lap. This thought came to my mind the day you were to go to Hyderabad. Imagine how exasperated I would become to see you at home, at  times, but the day you had a chance to move out on your own, you left mebehind and now I crave for you to be with me! A wishful dream perhaps now!

The day we traveled to Chandigarh and you rested your head on my lap, I thought of my little bundle of trouble who would gain attention if the same was denied to her. You seemed so small and vulnerable to me that day. I wanted to protect you with all my might from any onslaught, my little one. And imagine I have been carrying the same picture ever since your having left me!

You learnt very early in your life that one has to assert  to make one’s presence felt. Especially if you are not much welcome, the way you were. I would have to carry you, all the time, in my lap. I would be angry at times as I found that I had to  neglect the elder one a lot because of you. Another remarkable thing that I remember is that  you were  a little too  careful about your feeding hours as well. As I have written earlier, you sucked whole of the honey when it was put in your mouth as a welcome initiation to our world. The same would be repeated with all the feeds. You would gulp down whatever was given to you and it showed in your health. You were, by any standard, a very healthy child. You looked so cute! The elder one was weak and you looked healthy. No one would ever pass me without saying hello to you. Always an attention catcher—a crowd puller. You had become indispensable for our family.

It was at this time that one day you surprised us by one of your antics!!! Just joking. It was real serious. It was evening time and your Papa had just reached back. It was winter and the weather was very bad. You were a little unwell that day, had some fever perhaps. You simpered and simpered and then vomited out the milk that you had taken. I was carrying you in my lap and I wanted to change your clothes. While I was changing your clothes, you convulsed and suddenly I found your color to be turning deep purple. You were choked and gasping for breath.

I experienced fear for the first time in my life. Shouting to your Papa to come and see what had happened to you, I ran outside the home. I was crying and people assembled. I was shaking you up, patting hard at your back but to no result. I put my fingers in your mouth that was clenched tightly and was able to open it. Suddenly you coughed up and again vomited. A small piece of some food particle came to my open palm. And you started to breathe. I cried more bitterly as I had seen you so near to that stage which all of us fear to face.

When you cried, that was the sweetest sound on the earth for me and I held you close to my bosom, cursing myself for nurturing negative thoughts for having borne a second daughter. By this time, your Nani had reached our place and so had Dr. Abbey. A thorough checking revealed that when you vomited the first time, a small food particle got stuck in your windpipe and it caused you to gasp for breath. Dr. Abbey told me that it could have been fatal, had not I Put my fingers in your mouth to forcibly open it and scourged the wind pipe as well! I held you still more tightly to my bosom. Once Dr. Abbey had left for his home, your Nani started with doing away with the “Kali Nazar” of those who found you to be very chubby and cute. I did all that she asked me to do as it was my dear little one who was being rid of “Kali Nazar”. I was so happy to see in your eyes, eyes that trusted me and loved me.

A realization struck me hard that day that my little bundle of trouble, in fact, was a little bundle of joy in our life. And today I feel how right I had been. You are a little bundle of joy in our life that has filled it with love, happiness, warmth and sweetness.
Any day that you feel low in spirit, just rid your self of “Kali Nazar” and everything will be fine!

Love

Ma

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