October 20, 2006
Dear Little one,
This is the day when you came to my life and filled it with love warmth and sweetness. I think I need to make certain things clear and there is no other easy than to write them all, not only for you but for me as well to see out relationship in a new perspective. So let’s start from the very beginning.
When I realized that you had nestled securely in my very being, I was very happy. Happy as I felt strongly you to be a son and I wanted to have a complete family. Though I realized—a very tough life ahead—as I would have to handle two young toddlers! I was inviting trouble and happy inviting it. Now don’t take all this literally as you would again accuse me of being partial toward you! You have, in some your worst mood swings, blamed me for not welcoming you in our life. I wonder at times, is really what you feel like or say as you have nothing else to find against me except this accusation! So I was happy having you with me. I would be immersed in studies and you would be learning all that I was studying. I had to go to Shimla to appear in some examination that finished in September. I am so thankful to the Sood family I stayed with as they all saw to my comfort more than anyone else saw to it. I was not even allowed to carry a bucket of water to the bathroom! I used to study for whole of the night, taking some small naps of sleep in between and that too as I could sense your discomfort. I would change positions while studying—sitting, reclining, lying etc. so that you could have some respite from the same posture and have rest. Dear Little one, I was really worried about you. Exams over and I had to travel back to my Ma’ place and it was about 12 hours’ arduous journey to that place. Thankfully I was okay when I reahed back. But now there was another interview that I had to appear in, at Dharmasala, again a 6 hours’ journey. I really was a bit cruel to you. You have born a lot with me dear. I came back from Dharamsala and was happy to be free now on from all examinations and could devote all the time to the elder one, staying with your Nani, and to you still secure inside me!
It was about time when you should have been born but there was no sign of your arrival. I was worried as I started to think that perhaps my continual traveling had done you some harm and wanted to reassure myself of your safety. Once again I had to trade to the nearest Gynecological clinic at some 25 kms from our place. Whole the way to the clinic I kept on praying for your safety. Now don’t say, “You were worried as you thought it to be a baby boy!” Yes, though I thought you to be a boy but still was worried about the safety of my unborn child, whatever it may be. The doctor assured me that everything was fine and I returned back as I wanted you to be born at home. I came to your Nani’s place for my confinement as it would have been much easier for us all. I was a bit sad that your Dadi had not, so much so, as asked me t come home for the confinement. And these are the times when you have to seek someone’s help. I was sad and so was your papa though he would not say so. These males are different. When it comes to criticizing the wife’s people they are so loud but when it comes to find faults in their own people, they just play ignorant! We women are different. We understand everything but to keep the false egos of the males intact, would not as much as mutter it! We really are smart. I wonder what the world would have been like had we not this great sense of keeping our emotions to our self! I can say all these things to you as you, too, are a woman!
I have been digressing a lot, so let me come back to the track. The next day was the great day when you came into my life. I was waiting for the announcement of having given birth to a son. “It is once again a daughter,” the words made my world go haywire! I would not tell a lie by saying that I was not affected, I was. I was suddenly sad for having borne daughter once again as if it was my fault. Today, so many years after, I feel guilty of nurturing such a thought. How could I take the blame for something that was not my doing alone! But it was perhaps the eternal woman inside me that felt guilty and responsible for having not borne a son! Yes, you are right in a way. When I heard that you are a girl, I was not especially happy as, like all other women, I too wanted my second child to be a son. And more so as the elder one was already there! And tell me honestly, if I had thought this way, was I wrong? But when I looked at you and believe me, if you can, our eyes locked in a bond—and Lo you smiled at me. I was surprised as you were just a few seconds old at that time. But looking back I find that it was your bewitching smile that would make you win you worst critics! You won my heart and I found something melt inside me—a sense of not having borne a son. And we were to become the best of the friends henceforth. I wanted to have you close to my bosom and ask for forgiveness for having even allowed such a thought to enter my mind. I caressed you with a loving hand and sought your forgiveness. I think you understood my unspoken words and smiled back. It was the language that we still use when we don’t need any other medium to communicate. “You say it best when you say nothing at all…”
Do I need to say anything more to you my little one? It was the beginning of the relationship that we have today—the relationship that has filled my life with love, warmth and sweetness.
I would write more in my next letter.