Dear Little One,
Though you may be surprised to find this letter from me but I had to write it to you. Last night I kept on thinking about what I really wanted you to know. Is it not very surprising that instead of saying all this to you, when you were sleeping peacefully (?) next to me, I thought of writing to you and that too through a media that was a little too open for such a personal communication? You are right, I am afraid of looking into your eyes and saying it all but is it not good that instead of keeping it hidden inside me at least I have garnered enough courage to say it all rather bare it all. How many of us have the courage to say it or acknowledge it to even our own self. And who else would know better about it that you who met real sham people in the garb of friends? But why should I spoil the mood by talking about such matters?
So should I begin from the present or the past? I think it has to be a blend of the both as what was the past once has become the present today. Even as a small child you had the courage to ask what others would think twice even before speaking. You often asked me as a small child—“did I really love you enough to welcome you as my second daughter?” Yes, I did love you dear—a lot more than what you are able to visualize! I wonder how such a question could baffle a small child like you. But were you not special right from your childhood?
So let me start from the very beginning. When I came to know f your existence inside me, I was mot exactly very happy as so many of my plans were put to a question with your having secured a place in my womb. But as a staunch believer in what happens is for the best for us, I accepted you as a part of my being and became happy with your presence in my person. Though it resulted in making a lot of other adjustments in our life. You were to be born in the first week of October and my HAS examination were in late August to early September. The place we were living at was about 12 hour journey from Shimla and just thinking about the travel made me worry. No, I was not worried about myself but about you my little one as I didn’t want to put you to any discomfort. Not only that, I had my Masters’ Examination in July for which the centre was Dharamsala, again some six hours journey and then there was another examination for Naib Tehsildars that I was to appear in. I know that I have not been very gentle to you even when you had not even come to this earth; I made you travel a lot though securely and safely carrying you in my person. The roads were not very good and whenever the bus would jump, I would put my hand on my tummy to comfort you and would be worried a lot about you.
Looking back I realize that you have been a crusader and a tough survivor from the very beginning of your existence.
The elder one was there to be looked after and she had to bear the brunt of this stress that my life had at that time. She would be quiet most of the time and sometimes would put her small hand on my tummy and would say “Kaka”. Yes, dear little one, even before we knew anything about you we had planned you to be a boy and this is what you had been to me all these years. I think that the tomboyish looks and attitude that you carry even today had its roots in the early formative feelings that I had for you!
I would be irritated at times to have so many jobs at hand as the basic facilities that this generation has taken for granted these days were conspicuous by their absence in our times. The food was to be cooked on a Kerosene stove and even such a simple job as of warming up milk for the elder one was a big job. But I never felt it to be a big job at that time. I, too, never used to take so many cups of tea as I take these days as it was just out of question to light the stove for preparing a cup of tea!
I know that you have seen and felt it all sitting securely in my womb! Do you know why do I have this feeling? When you once bought Boney M cassette and listened to some of the song numbers, you cried out to me, “Ma I have a feeling that I have listened to some of the songs somewhere but I don’t remember where?”
You had listened to those very song numbers when I carried you inside me my little one. The only delight that I had permitted myself for at that point of time was to listen to my favourite cassette—Boney M! I would repeatedly listen to those numbers. And this is the reason that “NO woman no cry…” seems so familiar to you. This substantiates my belief that you must have felt and empathized wit many other happenings of my life. This is why we are bonded so closely even today.
Exams, exams and more exams— this was how my life was at that time. I remember going to Dharamsala for my Masters’ exams and then for my another competitive exam and then for an interview for the post of Naib Tehsildar. I had swollen so much at that time but still went to face the interview. Though I was not taken but the fact that in written part, I had topped Dharamsala region, was a consolation to me. I still believe that you have control over what you can do but not on what others can do. So why to lament!
I am sure you must have felt the stings of pain that your Ma went through at that time. But it surely has made you a tough person. Remember “The Alchemist”—when the protagonist asks why he was made to go through such a trying period if the treasure was there in the vicinity of his home, the answer was—to prepare you and to experience you what life is all about.
So, my dear little one the pain and the suffering that you might have experienced would have had His way of making you come as a Gold. The shine of gold is the result of having undergone a process of pain and suffering and it is its fate to go through this process.
I would be writing more some other day.