How long you mourn the death of a life or a relationship for that matter? Every culture and religion of the world has a defined number of days that this practice is followed and after that everything has to come back to its routine pace. The Life must go on! The Last Tribute is the final dedication to the untimely demise of a relationship and I wish never to write anything under this category "In Memoriam" again. However, in this last tribute I want to ascribe reasons for the unfathomable act of a person who was much trusted in and as such his betrayal calls for an exhaustive analysis. As I can only imagine what could be the reasons behind such an act, I may be prejudiced or biased and may be excused for that.
Life is mysterious. You meet along the line so many persons and many of them leave indelible impressions on your mind. Some of these incidents show how vulnerable we are to the onslaughts of others and this, at times, makes us question God why it has to happen to us and to no one else. But life must go on and every incident must teach us some good or bad lesson. I still am not able to believe that my judgment about you was wrong. Though there have been many such episodes that make me question my judgment but in the end I feel if the positive answer makes me see my self in a good light, why not to carry it throughout, may be a wrong perception. But this does not stop me from imagining and assigning a valid reason for your conduct.
I am somehow able to see a small seven years old boy caged in the adult body of a thirty year old, seemingly, mature man. And it is this small boy who makes me take pity on him. Now sympathy and pity are the words that you so disliked and see the irony that these are the words that would now onwards describe you best for me. Analyzing your conduct from socio-psychological angle, I can find some reasons, right or wrong, god only knows.
I am afraid that from the very childhood you started to see yourself as others saw you. You sure were distraught when your father left you but never showing the impact it had on you, presented a composed picture and this is what you have learnt to do all your life.+-You developed a social self that was different from your real self. This self-concept was/is based on the sum total of others’ perception about you along with your own perception about your own self. You may have had many conflicting impulses but somehow you learnt to stifle them inside you, and a defensive mechanism denied even to yourself your real feelings. You were never true to your own self. And then came books along with such characters that you wanted to emulate in life. Howard Roark for example. He seemed like a role model to you but I really am sad for you that you are nowhere near him. Rather none can be. Life is not fiction. But you always had a make-believe world of your own where you lived all those roles that you suppressed in the real world. It must have started a duality in your very being.
On the other hand, the burden of being the eldest and a kind of role model for others to follow also had its toll on you. You are a faithful son and a perfect brother. I commend you for that but playing these roles you forgot one thing that there was another role that you had started to play in your make-believe world. And that was your waterloo.
But in the end I would just say one thing that whatever you must have done would have been keeping in view the best interests of all concerned.