I Forgive You But Won’t Forget…

I could have got you detained very easily. I could have asked the Board of Discipline to take a stringent action against you—but I did nothing of the sort. Won’t you be interested to know why I behaved like that? Or you would think that being a very weak person; I lacked the strength of taking action. Do you think it really needs strength to take action against an erring student? None—I say. It really takes courage and strength to forgive a defaulter who has hurt you beyond repair. I know you will laugh it off as a rambling of a weak person but you would understand my boy one day, perhaps, when you would know how hard it is to punish those whom you love.

Your act was unforgivable—as it was to prove your courage to the people who would have a hearty laugh at your guts. But did you really have guts? I am afraid, you don’t have any. I have guts to forgive despite my rational self telling me in no uncertain terms to set one example and all the coming classes would be set right. But was taking this action worth the trust that I still had in the goodness of human beings? It is my unfailing trust in the humanity and all humane qualities that saved me from being a revenger. I just let my heart overrule my head and mind you it was not simple. My mind kept on warning me to be strict one time and be happy for the rest of my life. Do you know what you have done to me? You have shaken my trust in all that I held close to my heart—my love for students. Now I am wary even for genuine concerns that some students show for me as I have become over suspicious.

Still not able to fathom a reasonable reply to why you did that foolish act of yours, I pity you for behaving that way. It speaks volumes about the kind of conditioning or the lack of it has done to groom you the way you have turned out to be. You had put a bet with some of your friends to befool the teacher and to run away from the class without being noticed. You were almost successful, had not I caught a glimpse of a crouching human form slipping away from the door, when I was busy writing in my register. Rather too engrossed I was in my work! You looked disgusting. If you thought that you were looking like a stalwart, you are mistaken my boy. No one looks an inch of stalwart while doing a cowardly act. And I am sure showing your back to the battlefield that is your class in this matter is a great act of cowardice! I could have come after you to catch you and you know how fast I walk—I could have easily caught you. I chose not to come after you and instead sent a student who shared camaraderie with you. Do you know why I did so—just to save you from the embarrassment that you might have faced when caught by me. I knew even before the student, one who went after you, told me about not being able to catch you. I know that you could not have just vanished in the thin air. I pretended to believe him again to help him in face saving. Now to get you on my books, I had to find you out and for that I had to take attendance of the class one more time. And see the guts of some of you—someone spoke out your proxy. Now this was too much. I had seen a human form creeping stealthy out from the door and knew for certain that I was not hallucinating and here the class was bent upon saving you. Did they really want to save you or were making it worse for you. Try finding answer to this question. Exasperated, I had no energy left to play the Lady Bond and instead chose to leave the class. You might have thought it as an act of running away from the class but again you are mistaken my boy. We, who give you freedom, have the right to take it back any time that we think it is being misused. I could have physically verified the presence of all of you but I don’t think teachers are supposed to do that. We all are bound by some ethics and if we fail to be governed by them, there is no use being good in any other role. I thought of having wasted my time and energy on students who, at the fag end, of the session were as irresponsible as they were at the beginning of it, or were rather worse. I was sad for you and all those who seemed to support your action, but was this worth the effort? In the evening when I reached home and had just made me forget all that had happened during the day, you suddenly appeared at my door step. I am not a bad host but that day I had neither energy nor inclination to invite you inside. You gave a very lame reason—a reason that had no substance at all. A reason that anyone would be able to look through and I was your teacher! You confessed to have a troubled stomach and had to run away from the class because of that. You told me that coming to me to seek permission for leaving the class was not possible for you as the girls were sitting close by. Do you think I could believe all that blabber? I didn’t believe you but didn’t have the strength to refute your claim as well. I could still see a boy bent upon befooling the teacher. When I asked about the proxy that was used to mark you present, you told that it was as per your request that someone had called your proxy! What a lie! A shameless lie! How did you know my son that I would be taking the roll call to ascertain the boy who had left the class as you were pretty sure of duping me when you undertook the bets to run out of the class?

Next day you came to my office and were humility personified. I needed time to think rationally about what action to initiate against you. But I didn’t want something to do that would affect your future. Was I weak? According to you perhaps yes. Had I been strong, I would have written a long complaint against you to the Board of Discipline and left you to face the music. I didn’t do it because I suddenly thought of my own son and analyzed the situation your parents would be in if they learn about their “intelligent” son who had made the entire family proud by seeking admission to such a prestigious Institution. It was a very crucial moment for me to decide the course of action that I must take. I was hurt beyond repair, no doubt about it but was getting you punished and detained the only answer to the problem?

I thought of various reasons that might have made the kind of person that you turned out to be. Not a good example of a man, I might say honestly. But I am a diehard optimist and always believe that if I would be I able to bring about some positive change in any erring individual, I would feel my efforts to be well invested. It was this instinct in me that still believes in the dictum that basically all human beings have some good streak in them that has helped me to come to the decision that is not to report your case to anyone.

Now think about me in whatever way you want but I have done what I thought best for you. Honestly speaking, it was not an easy decision to arrive at as till the final moment I was tempted by my rational self to set you right but my heart prevailed over mind.

But don’t forget one thing—I may have forgiven you but I won’t forget either you or your act of indiscipline.

Together We Move Ahead…

The 4^th of May, 1978 was the day that we started a journey together. And today we embark on the 29^th year of our being together. Looking back, I find that time just slipped away. I don’t even remember where and how this time has gone and that too so fast.

 

As  I had nothing much to do today I went to bring out our marriage album out of the cupboard. The red cover of the album with a picture of a bride being carried to her in-law’s home  brought about a feeling of nostalgia in me and suddenly I wanted to relive all those moments captured in black and white. Shedding it of the dust that had accumulated over it, I opened the pages lovingly. I was shocked to find that moth had started eating some of the pages. How careless had I become of this album! Thank God our life has not been as static as this album and moved ahead where there was neither time nor an opportunity for dust to settle over it or moth to eat away a part of it.

 

A very interesting memory came flooding to my mind when I opened the pages of the album. Once when all my three kids were very small, they would look at the pictures and would be peaceful for the time being. I would get respite from the little truants for some time and would hand over the album to them to ponder over. I overheard their conversation and was surprised to know the level of wisdom they possessed. One of them asked the other—“where are we in the album, though Maa takes us along always?” Pat came the reply from another one—“She must have left us with Nani as she does when she has her examination.” Really a very intelligent answer! And I really shudder at the thought what the answer would have been had they been born in recent times, fed on the knowledge acquired through soaps on TV?

 

Yes, it was true. I never left them except when I had to owing to the numerous exams that I appeared in after my marriage. This journey ahead has such pleasant and unforgettable memories. The kids just happened. But we never regretted anything. Life just moved on with many ups and downs but looking back, I find that God has been merciful. While reading “Alchemist”  recently, I realized that answers to many queries and doubts that assailed me even today, had been brilliantly answered to in the book. I understand that everything happens for a reason and to make peace with yourself, you just have to accept all that comes your way. I really wonder how we kept on accepting all that came our way and move ahead through the journey of life without much malice against anyone.

 

I am happy that along the way, we didn’t spend much of our life energy in futile exercises and used it in productive activities. May God help us to move ahead together being a support to each other at every step. Amen!

Girls Will Be Girls Only…

I used to wonder as to what makes a girl different from a boy?

 

And I had sincerely believed that at least my younger one was of a different kind as compared to the lot. She is the one who would make fun of all those women and girls who acted in a coquettish manner or let’s say a womanish manner. Ever since her childhood, she was more of a tom boy and less of a girl. No perhaps, I am wrong. She was very much a girl when she was small. I remember when she would put on make-up to brighten her looks and would wrap my Duppattas like a saree and play the mom. But over the years, during her teenage a change came over her and suddenly she became more of a tomboy that a teenager girl with average preferences of that age. Looking back, I am able to see her wearing loose trousers to the market as well at home and was so taken up by the cargo pants that she once asked me as well to switch over to wearing them as they were so much comfortable.

 

Her dress code was well defined—cargos and a loose fitting top and any thing girlish was out of scope for her. Everyone had become so used to watch her like that. The only feminine feature that she carried was her hair—thick, black and wavy. I loved her hair as I had always dreamed of having such hair.

 

It was during the time when she was not able to make it to a Medical college despite having worked very hard that she asked me one day—a day before she had to go to the Degree college—“Maa. I want to cut my hairs short.” I was literally taken aback as it was such a shock to me. But as I knew her so well, I was able to see reasons for her impulsive behaviour. She was being cruel to her own self by getting rid of her hair that we all loved. With tears in her eyes, she said, “let me get at least what I have control over.” I had no answer to the pleading look in her pathetic eyes. I silently accompanied her to the parlour where I think we were entering for the first time. It had two parts, one for the ladies and another for the men. She headed towards the men section and asked the in charge there to give her a very short boy cut. I was dumb with surprise but thought not to intervene and let her have her own way, at least this time.

I saw her long tresses falling on the floor rolling down the white sheet wrapped around her. Something was wringing my heart and I thought of the countless times that I had combed those hairs and plaited them and to see them shorn off from the crown was a sheer torture to me. But I didn’t stop her. Later, silently, I collected all those hair and put them in a bag to bring them back home. Even today in some corner of the almirah all those hairs lie secure in a bag.

 

She became more of a tom boy than she was earlier and started carrying a stiff expression as well on her face. She was basically the same bubbly young girl, so full of life, but had suddenly turned hostile towards anyone who would try sneaking inside her tough exterior. It was only with us, the family, and some very close friends that she would let the appearance fall and be her real self. Boys were just out of question in her life except a few school friends who just loved her for being what she was, an unpretentious girl.

 

Even when she went to Chandigarh, the most fashionable place in North India, I failed to find any discernible change in her looks as there too she became part of a group of students for whom looks were secondary to substance. Or she was perhaps deliberately putting up a front just only to torture her self. And such was her reaction towards any comment pertaining to looks that she would snub persons making even well intentioned comment about her. I know she snubbed someone when he told her to be careful in what she eats as she had developed dark circles around her eyes!

 

Now this was not good. A girl has to be a little careful about her looks as well. Her dress code now changed a little as she had in her wardrobe jeans and Kurtas. Knowing her love for Kurtas, I would design and stitch beautiful ethnic Kurtas for her. Perhaps this was a mother’s way of gradually bringing her back to the fold as I wanted her to look pretty in Indian dresses. During her short sojourns home, I would stitch for her suits as well and would wish her to wear them. She would put them on once or twice and then revert back to her own dress code.

 

On her coming back from Chandigarh she got a teaching assignment in the local degree college, the same where she had gone after her first hair cut. Now suddenly she wanted to appear like a teacher and the first step toward it was wearing of salwar suits. I was happy and got for her new suits. Though she would be wearing those suits but as soon as she would arrive home, she would again change to her old self and would become tom boyish. Her hairs had grown a little and she had now got laser cut—now whatever was the name of the cut—at least it was feminine and this was sufficient for me. Salwar suits were a necessity for her because of her job profile but the other accessories that go along with suites were terribly missing in her appearance.

 

To lure her into wearing something in her wrists, I got silver bracelets from Mandi for her as I knew about her love for ethnic jewellery. But all these efforts, on my part, were having short term effect but still like a crusader, I went on and on.

 

This was a time when she had only us as friends. Though we share a very solid bond between us but one needs friends in life to share many things with. Call it chance or providence, but the net connection in our home brought about turmoil in the placid and tranquil environment of our home. She became friendly with someone, a person completely unknown. She changed. And this “someone” was bringing out a subtle but discernible change in her. Was I happy or sad—I don’t know.

 

The mother in me was happy that at least she had someone she trusted and looked forward to talk to. I was sad also at the same to see her change as despite my best efforts I was not able to bring about a desirable change in her. When she listened to a remark about the dark circles around her eyes, she wanted to do away with them. Many a times I found her to be angry with her own self for paying so much attention to a cursory remark made by this friend.

Leave aside the effect on her physical appearance, she had started listening to his advice regarding her studies as well and I was really alarmed. It is not that she didn’t know about this subtle yet quite obvious change in herself and would at times be angry with her own self. During her recent visit to Chandigarh where she met one of her hostel mates who was engaged to a boy, this gradual change to please someone became very clear to her. And she confessed to me that she felt bad thinking what this girl was doing, like going to a gym etc, was in no way different than what she herself was doing.

 

She has started growing her hairs, is careful about eating well, getting rid of her dark circles and so much so she would do anything to increase her height, if she could. She, at times, seems angry with herself for this strange change taking over her and finds herself to be no different than other girls she always made fun of.

 

A part of her wants to change but another part would say why to?

 A real Catch 22 situation for her! So I believe that girls would be girls only